Driving

Yoko Kanno - Strangers

In the car on the half-hour-long car ride to the airport, it was just me in the back, and my father in the front, driving.

He started the conversation with how Grandma was doing: how she had just returned from Hong Kong and had already fallen ill for a week. He went on to describe the sympathy he felt for her because all of her children were unsuccessful and/or lacked piety; out of the five, three of them are currently either in a family that's falling apart, or are knee-deep in financial problems. Cautiously choosing words and sighing in between sentences, my father revealed to me the various stories of his siblings. As I identified each individual story, I attached a familar face that belonged to one of my aunts or uncles. At the end of each drama-filled story, my father kept reiterating how each of them shouldn't be blamed for the crises they were in. Why? Because at the root of all these issues lies bad parenting: by none other than my grandmother, my father's mum.

So... sympathy spiked with underlying tones of disdain...?

None of this was news to me. My father had gone over the stories that identified the problems my aunts and uncles were facing before in great detail. He did this to teach me the causes of unhealthy family relations, sacrificing his family's image to try and make sure I didn't repeat the same mistakes as them.

Father: Every single one of my brothers and sisters have failed time and time again. Actually, they're still in the process of failing. Well, except for your first aunt.

Me: Yeah...

Father: I'm of no exception. I've failed time and time again out there. The only difference is, I faced my failures with a willingness to learn; and I was hardworking. I never had a real education, so that's how I gained experience; the hard way. That's how you grow in life, y'know? By falling, picking yourself up, learning from your mistakes, and giving it your all, working hard.

At this point, I was split. I wanted to open up and share with my father how joining UCSD DB had changed my life, but that was the problem: opening up. You just don't do that in a Chinese family, especially with your father. It's not like I've never opened up to my father before, but it's always a bit awkward and uncharacteristic. Gah, ah, screw it.

Me: You know, before I went to college, I was always the guy to give up half way, never finishing out what I set out to do, never giving it 100%. But then I joined dragon boat. I saw everyone around me, working, giving their all, putting in 5 hours when they only had 4; I saw hard work in physical form. It didn't immediately click, but when it did, I saw hard work as one of the most important things in life. In the past, when I would fall short of a goal, I would be content. I now see that as giving up, not doing my best; I can't live with that feeling any more, it just feels wrong.

Father: That's good.

I'm glad I talked, because we had a moment, one of those father-to-son bonding experiences that happen very rarely.

And then, as if it wasn't enough, he says to me, in the most genuine tone I've ever heard him speak with:

"you know, truthfully, I don't mind if you're unsuccessful. I don't care whether or not you become a professor or a doctor. I already know how hard it is for you right now. You're a better person than a lot of people your age that I know, smarter, too. I mean, of course, there are still tons of people that are smarter than you, but there will always be that balance; that's life. Don't over-exert yourself, just try your best, okay? I don't care if you become successful, I mean of course I want you to be successful, but that's not important. Everyone fails, just pick yourself back up and give it your all.

By the way, how are you getting back from the airport?"

I haven't heard something this real in a long time...

I also haven't felt the warm sensation of tears running down my cheeks for a very, very long time.

Tonight, I felt it twice: once while typing this... the other, in the car on the half-hour-long car ride to the airport.

Where it was just me sitting in the back, with my father in front, driving, as he always does.